Saturday, 10 January 2009

• ~.late night feelings.~ depressing post -.-'' don't read it if you'r not in the mood (I warned you

     Sometimes, coming from nowhere, a strange, deep, suffocating feeling enters your chest and insists on staying there. You caress that part of your body where your heart rests, trying to ease the uncomfortable weight. An insignificant reflex of yours. Your brain asks your heart what's going on "hey, what's this kind of itch down there?" and the heart, feeling too tight in the chest, like some mysterious and invisible hand grabbing it, squeezing it, sends some particular flashes to its neighbor of the first floor.
  
  *it's you, afraid to expose your ideas in a group of people*   -will I be strong enough to speak?-
  *it's you, sitting down in your bed, looking at the door and breathing heavily*  -will I be strong enough to face life today?-
  *it's you, avoiding the mirror of the bathroom*   -will I be strong enough to look at me today?-
  *it's you, walking alone on your way home*   -will I be strong enough to live with this loneliness all my life?-
  *it's you, feeling claustrophobic*   -will I be capable to control myself?-
  *it's you, too frightened to be alone*  -what if I'm dying and there's no one year to help me?-
  *it's you, staring at couples holding hands, kissing, hugging...*   -will I ever be strong enough to ask him/her out, to confess my love?-
  *it's you, eating in a compulsive way/not eating at all/smoking weed everyday/injecting yourself/mutilating yourself... and crying afterwards*   -will I be strong enough to overpass my addictions/to accept myself?
  
     "...Why...why did you sent me these flashes?" asks the brain, who relies on nothing but rational thoughts.
     "You can't ignore me all the time. I'm part of you, my pain is your pain."
     Frustrated, your brain accepts those flashes. It embrace them and won't let you sleep until it finds rational solutions to ease the pain, the suffocating feeling. However, your heart keeps telling what you need:
  
  *you need to love yourself*
  
     "I can't."
  
  *Maybe not alone...* (Heart starts)
  *Yes, you can do it alone!* (Pride says)
  
     "I can't. I tried over and over again. And I failed."
  
     The tears run down your face, trying to comfort you. "It's alright if you can't stand up by yourself. After all, you're only human and you're too bruised to walk alone." your tears' words actually comfort you. "You need someone. And while that someone doesn't arrive, we'll be here, with you."
  
     You realize then. Your need someone to help you standing up, someone who likes to hear your laugh, to hear your ideas. Someone who whispers "it's alright, go on, speak, I'm here with you." / "if you fall, I'm here to help you standing up" / "don't give up...it doesn't matter if you fail, if you say something wrong."
  
      You need someone on your side to watch over you    -"You're safe. I'm here."-
  
  
  

  *will that person ever come?*
  

  
  

  • 11:39 PM
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